I'm not ok, and that's ok...

My amazing cousin Alex has recently started writing about her own mental health in a fantastic blog Howay Man Get Happy and yesterday I read her latest post "I'm Not Okay, and That's Okay - The Five Reasons I Lie." It was extremely relatable for me and I thought I'd write about some of my own reasons as well as giving an update on how things have been in general for me. It might help some of my friends and loved ones understand things a bit more or will just be nice to vent a bit really.

The last post I did on here was back in May, I'd just found out I had depression and was awaiting seeing a councillor which I was understandably nervous about. Next week I will be seeing my councillor for the last of my 8 sessions that I was entitled too. Having someone there like that has helped me loads, she has made me see things in a different way and I have looked forward to almost every session. I'm nervous about seeing her for the last time as I don't want that support to not be there anymore, but I'm hoping I can arrange to see her more. It's one part of the process over with and the doctor who referred me will be getting feedback about me to see what happens next.

The last 7 months have still been a very emotional time; knowing that I have something wrong with me was a big relief, as there was a reason for how I felt, but that doesn't always make you feel better when the darkness takes over. I know I have a lot of support from friends and family and I want you all to know how much I love you and appreciate you all, but this isn't something I can always talk to you about. I get that some of you have never experienced what this is like, and you offer help the only way you know, but sometimes when you're trying to help, you can actually make me feel a lot worse.

This is the main reason I don't talk to people about how I'm feeling, because most of them don't get it, and while trying to help they can actually make me feel worse and then I wish I'd never bothered in the first place. Having people say "Well just don't think like that" or "Try not to overthink things" or "I thought you were feeling better?". It hurts. It makes me feel like I'm broken beyond repair, so it's easier just to smile and say "I'm fine"

In reality I am far from fine, I am constantly battling with demons and dark thoughts, I lack sleep, energy, and motivation. I'm scared that I won't end up where I want to be in life because I don't take any risks. I'm trying to figure out what kind of future I want to have and I'm not sure I'll ever achieve that. I am tired of being exhausted all the time. I often suffer from tension headaches which just feels like my head is being ripped in two. I go to bed so tired every night and then will lie awake for hours because "Remember this! Overthink that! Need to do this! That would be an awesome idea!" spin round and round in my head for hours. I can't count how many times I've cried myself to sleep simply because I can't shut my brain off. 

But I can't talk about it, because the ones closest to me don't understand it. They try and find reasons for it, analyse why I feel like this or what's triggered stuff and it doesn't work like that. When I do open up to them I end up feeling worse off so it's just easier to say nothing.

There are other reasons I don't like being open about how I'm actually feeling, it makes me feel

vulnerable, I don't want to be a burden on anyone, I don't like to be fussed over, but the main one for me is that I never know how people will react and if I'll end up worse off for it.

This has ended up a bit longer than I was expecting, so I'll stop here and may continue with this at a later date. Thank you for reading if you have and if anyone else is struggling with feelings similar I urge you to go and get help. It's not a quick fix by any means, but the professional support is there if you need it.

xXx

Something important that I want to talk about...

I've thought a lot about whether to write this or not and how to approach it, but I think it's an important thing that needs to be talked about and I wanted to share my experiences with it. I apologies for the way it is written and for any errors in grammar or spelling!

Over the last (I'd guess around) year and a half my emotions have been very up and down. My mam has always said to me that I always seem to be either right up or right down, I never seem to find a middle ground. In the last 8/9 months I have been slowly getting worse and worse, to the point that I have started having panic attacks, something I have never had before. I feel lost, alone, like I didn't know who I am or where I am going in my life, that I'm not where I should be and it is extremely overwhelming. More often it has been getting harder and harder for me to even pull myself out of bed on a morning, I spend most of the day just feeling like I want to cry and to just curl up in a ball and sleep for as long as I can or wanting to huddle up in bed with a load of food and eat myself into a food coma.

My self esteem and confidence are shot to shit. I worry and overthink constantly about every aspect of my life; my work, money, relationships, the way I look and act, I know that my life is very good, I have a hell of a lot going good for me, which makes me feel worse about how I think negatively about everything. I'm constantly exhausted as my mind is always going and on top of that my sleeping has gotten worse. Eating has been my crutch but has ended up making me feel worse as I've been eating so much that I have put a load of weight back on, which is then affecting my self esteem and body confidence in a very negative way.

I have always been a very outgoing and social person, but have found myself becoming more of a recluse and not wanting to leave the house, even to see good friends who I love dearly. I am greatly lacking motivation to do many things, even things that I enjoy. It might sounds silly but one of the only things that has helped me is building Lego, it's the only time that my mind is completely focused on that one thing and my head doesn't feel like it's going 100mph! It's a way for me to clear my mind, almost like a kind of therapy.

I ended up opening up and chatting on with a client I had in the shop, she was wonderful to speak to and encouraged me to see a doctor about it, so the next day I went and made an appointment. At the time I made the appointment I was at a low point, I'd hoped I'd be able to get an appointment that day but I had to wait until the next week (around 5 days) .

 On Wednesday the 4th of May I finally went to the doctors about it, on the day I was feeling a lot better in myself and was a bit worried about how I would explain how I'd been feeling. It's a hard thing to describe. As I tried explaining how I'd been feeling I broke into tears. I was told I had depression. I actually felt better, knowing that there's a reason I've been feeling the way I have and I'm not going mad. Perhaps best of all was knowing that I wasn't alone and that there was help there for me. The doctor has referred me for counseling and given me websites to visit to help in the mean time.
 

I am in the very early stages of understanding exactly what is wrong with me and trying to improve how I feel about things. All the things I have detailed above that I have been thinking and feeling are still there, sometimes they're just low whispers in the back of my mind and other times they are screaming at me so loud that I can't hear anything else. But I have taken the first step in helping myself and I am so relieved that I have finally seen about it.

 

xXx

The Thought of Dating...

As you know I recently became single (about four months ago now), I had been with my ex for 9 years, we get together when we were 16. My dating experience before I started seeing him doesn't really have much to it. A couple of bad dates, some guys who were just like friends as opposed to a boyfriend, one nasty guy who I don't want to remember in a hurry and then one guy who I saw for a few months. I liked the guy and can't really remember the reason for breaking things off (it was a long time ago) but I got my friend to do it for me and to this day I regret the way it happened. He was a nice guy and he didn't deserve it at all, but I was young and naive and know a lot better now, not that that excuses what I did.

Anyway, it occurred to me that (unless I want to just grow old with loads of pets and become a crazy dog lady) eventually I'd have to go out to meet guys and go on actual dates...

Now I'm a very social person, I frequently attend Comic Conventions and meet loads of new people, making friends very easily and even going out with them for food or drinks afterwards. But that's a whole different kettle of fish! If I'm around someone I find attractive (unless I'm already pretty comfortable with them) then I become very nervous, completely aware of myself, I fidget, have to be doing something with my hands, picking at a beer bottle or faffing with a napkin. I'm an over thinker and my mind goes a bit mad!

I've also never actually been asked on a "proper" first date. Like, going out for a meal or drinks and talking to just each other, discovering who this person is and whether they are compatible enough with you to want to spend more time with them.

The whole ordeal, to me, seems to be a mass of excitement, awkwardness and terror rolled into one, although more of the latter two! The build up to it, I imagine, is just spending a lot of time worrying! What will they be like? Will we have anything to talk about? What if I can't find anything to wear? Will I be my usual clumsy self and spill something/trip over/etc. like I have a tenancy to do?

In truth, it really scares me, it's possible that once I've had a date or two I may feel differently but until then it's just the unknown... maybe I'd be better off with just the dogs...

xXx

A New Start...

So...

The last time you heard from me I was engaged, living with my fiancée, planning a wedding and complaining about being asked when we were going to have kids. A lot has changed for me since then, some good and some bad.

The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I had been wrestling with some personal demons and it all peaked for me in July (had been going on for a while before then, not entirely sure when it started) and then me and my fiancée broke up in August. It's not something I'm going to go into right now, I may do at a later date but I'm not sure yet.

So at 25 I moved back in with my parents, I love being back home (although sometimes feel like I get a bit in the way, mainly with how much stuff I have haha) but I'm hoping to get my own place within the next year or two. I know I want to move away, not entirely sure where to or even how far away but it's something I'm looking into.

I started my own business, selling Younique cosmetics and skin care products, it's going remarkably well, better than I could have imagined and I can't wait to see where I am in just a year with it! Through it I have met some amazing and inspirational people and I can't wait to spend more time with them all. My confidence has grown tenfold and I now wear make-up daily and am dressing a lot nicer.

My weight has increased, I was doing very well with my weight loss and Slimming World but have lost my way with it. I am still going to the meetings, I fear that if I stopped completely then my weight would just balloon and I'd lose interest completely. Currently it doesn't bother me too much that I have put weight on but I don't want to get much bigger really.

As can be expected when going through a big life change I go through periods of heightened emotions, both good and bad. Most days are good but I still get really bad days, days when all I want to do is lock myself away and sleep. I feel that I am a lot more emotional now, I certainly cry more which is not a bad thing.

The last week has been very hard. We had some bad news in the family last Tuesday and since then my head has just been a wreck. It's brought a lot of bad memories and thoughts to the surface for me and through that I've had a lot to think about.

I think going through stuff like that does that to you though, makes you re-evaluate, consider where you are in your life and what things you really want in the future. It certainly has with me. Spent a lot of time thinking about the future and what I want for myself, it's scary and exciting having no idea where you're life might be in a year or two. Plus I'm an over thinker which never helps!

Anyway, bit of a long post but a lot to cover! Thanks for reading!

xXx

Everyone is having babies!

Hello!

So I'm currently at an exciting stage in my life, I'm planning a very big day, our wedding! But everyone I speak to seems to be asking me when we're going to start having kids, which bugs me a little. I'm only 24 and most of my friends are a similar age, I have three close friends who are all already married and have all started having kids. 

One has a little girl who is around a year and 5 months now and she is trying for her second baby, another has a little girls who is now around 3 months and the last is pregnant (after trying for almost a year) and is about 12 weeks into her pregnancy.

That's great for them, they're all happy and it's where they want to be in their lives. Me and my fiancée have done things a bit later than all of our friends (like moving out, getting engaged, getting married, etc.) for various reasons. He went to university straight from college and then managed to get a job almost as soon as he left, we then saved for a few years before buying our house which is why we've ended up doing things later. But life isn't a competition, you do things in your life when the time is right for you.

Now I'm not saying that I think you should be married before you have kids, things are very different now than what they were like even 20/30 years ago and most couples are having kids without even considering getting married, so long as they're in a loving and happy home that's all that matters. But as we are now planning our wedding we want to have that first before we even think about having kids!

For us at the moment we're just not ready to be parents yet. We know how big of a change it makes to your life, financially, emotionally and you're relied on by this little person who is completely helpless without you. We definitely want kids, just not anytime soon, there is so much we want to do before embarking on that adventure! 

We have the house and garden to finish, the wedding to pay for (and enjoy), holidays away in our caravan (we got it later last year and have only been able to use it once so far!) and just generally enjoying spending time together as a couple before we become a family. We've also talked about it and as long as we're financially able then, when we do have kids, I will be finishing work to be a stay at home parent. Currently I absolutely love my job and I'm not quite ready to give it up just yet!

xXx

April Favorites 2015!

Hello!

This year is flying over, I can't believe it's May already! I thought I would do a post detailing a few items that I have enjoyed using a lot this month, as I didn't start the blog that long ago I'm just going to do three items for this month, so here they are:

1 - Food Diary

I purchased this food diary from eBay, you can get food diary sheets from Slimming World for free but I am getting closer to my target and wanted to have them all in one place so I can look back on them. The main reason for this is once I'm at my target I can keep a record of the weeks that I've maintained my weight and what I did food and exercise wise that week. 

The diary I got is not an official one but it is laid out for people following SW, so it has space for your healthy extras, syns and free foods, as well as exercise and notes for the week; each week also features a menu planner and a weekly summary for the end of the week, which I love! In the front of the book there are pages for tracking your weight every week, body magic (exercise) awards, monthly measurements, before and after pictures and pages for your favorite recipes! I'm in love with it and have been filling it in religiously! This one will last a full year and I will definitely be purchasing one for next year!

2 - Sprinkle of Chatter

Sprinkle of Chatter is Louise Pentland's vlog channel and her secondary channel on YouTube, her primary channel is Sprinkle of Glitter which I also love, but lately I have found myself just watching my way through all of her old vlogs.

I find they're just easy to watch and it's been lovely watching her little girl going to Disney World and such as well as just seeing what Louise does day to day.

3 - Journal

I'd recently read "20 Things To Do When You're 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50" now I'm only 24 but after reading it I realised a lot of them were changed I was currently trying to make in my life anyway. One thing stuck out to me thought which was no. 18 Keep a Journal. It's something I've always wanted to do but I would normally start one and then only write in it once or twice and then just stop. When I was in TK Maxx at the weekend (haul post will follow soon!) for some home and wedding bits and I saw this lovely note book in amongst the book shelves.

After having a little look at the layout inside I decided it would be the perfect book to start my journal in. I've been doing well with it so far and it's nice to have a  private place to write your thoughts and just to vent when you feel like it!

Anyway that is my favorites for April! Thank you for reading and if you have any questions or comments then please leave them in the comment section below!

xXx

Lucky in Life?

A few months ago I had someone at work tell me how lucky I had been in life. She had been talking to me about the (what seemed like) mass of problems that she was going through and afterwards had asked about a few things in my life, such as my:

Weight-loss

Home

Fiancée

Wedding

Work

Life in general

I replied that they were all good, "You're so lucky, you have a perfect life" was her reply, I told her that no one was perfect and left it at that, but it's been repeatedly playing on my mind. I'm not saying I have a bad life, currently my life is very good, we all have ups and downs, good days and bad, but it felt like she seemed to think that everything had just been handed to me and that I'd never had to work at anything.

Me and my partner have been together for almost 9 years and have had some amazing times but also times when we felt overwhelmed and that we weren't going to last much longer. However we have worked at our relationship and have come out stronger for it. We have a wonderful house that we're hoping will last for most of our lives but in order to get this house we had to work hard and save for years just for the deposit.

My work is something I love but it's taken me a long time to get to the stage that I have and on the way I've had some jobs that I hated, one of which came close to driving me into depression. Even the amazing job that I not have has had it's bumps in the road, working 6 day weeks (which included 4 hours traveling a day) for a low wage, then having work to do at home on top of that, while hardly getting to see my partner, was extremely difficult and tiring but has all been worth it.

My weight is something I have a had years struggling with and I have let other people deter me instead of doing what was best for me. I'm finally in a place where I am making better, lifelong changes to my life for my health and I've never felt better!

The only thing I can say I was truly lucky to have in my life are the two amazing people that raised me to be the person I am today. I come from a very stable, loving and supportive home and couldn't imagine my life without my parents, they have done so much for me throughout my life and have always said that they don't care what I do in life, as long as I am happy, and that is what I am... Happy! 

Not lucky, just happy. 

If you can learn to be happy and appreciative with what you have in life then I believe you'll always feel lucky.

xXx