Wednesday, 19 April 2017


Anyone who's read any of my previous posts knows kind of what I've been going through, but anyone who hasn't and wants too can read about it in my last couple of blog posts "Something important that I want to talk about..." and  "I'm not ok, and that's ok..."

It's been almost a year now since I was first told I had depression and things started to make some sense. Strange how it doesn't feel that long ago yet also feels like a life time since that first appointment with the doctor. I can safely say that, currently, I am feeling almost completely content with my life as it is. I made a conscious decision a few months ago to be more content with my life, all of it, exactly as it is, while still wanting to make improvements. This has helped me in so many ways that I can't possibly list them all! But I am going to mention a couple of specific things that I feel have been the biggest improvements for me.

By far the biggest thing for me has been with my body confidence. This is something I have struggled with for years with not only the way I feel about my body but in trying to improve it and failing. There's a song by Tim Michin called "Not perfect", which crippled me emotionally the first time I heard it, the whole thing has a lot of truth to it but the line he sings about his body hit me so hard that I instantly burst into tears. I'll link the song below for anyone interested but the specific line I'm talking about goes:

"And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me"

 It rang so true to me that I listened to that song for days, and still have it on my phone now. That is what I'd been doing for so long, hating my body for no real reason. I decided that I was done hating it, I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life and I was the one supplying it. I wouldn't have stood for it if someone said the kind of stuff I thought about myself to me, so why did I do it to myself? Since actively deciding that I was going to start liking myself more I feel so much better about myself. There are select people who have helped with this process (I hope you know who you are if you're reading this and just how much you've helped me) but I've tried to do the main bulk of it myself. I'm still trying to eat better and go to the gym regularly but I rarely binge on food now.  I would still like to lose a little weight and tone my body more but I'm happier in my skin than I think I've ever been!

Taking pleasure in the little things has made a bigger difference than I thought too. My daily walk to and from work, alone with my music, are my favourite times of the day. I walk along with my giant headphones on, oblivious to the rest of the world, mouthing along to my favourite songs (wouldn't subject the general public to my tone deaf screeching!) and everything is right in the world. I have a giant smile on my face while I do so, it never fails to cheer me up. 

Reading, build Lego or working on my cosplays (when I'm not working to a deadline!) are all things I'm trying to make more time for and I'm getting there slowly. I'm also making progress on getting my own place, looking at some possibilities and hoping they'll lead somewhere. All little bits of progress towards my bigger goals but as I said, I'm still content with my life exactly as it is.

All of this has helped in so many ways, I honestly can't remember the last time I was affected by my depression or that last time I had a "bad day". My anxiety is also a lot better, it only ever seems to really bother me when I'm driving. That in itself is my biggest hurdle, it's been stopping me from doing things that I want to do, but I'm slowly making progress with that.

Anyway going to leave it there for now, hopefully I won't leave it that long for another update on things, but knowing me I probably will!