It can't rain all the time...

Today I feel lost. If I'm being honest I've felt like this for a while. The constant feeling of exhaustion is back with vengeance, although I'm not really sure it ever left. Sleep is lacking and the days all seem to be melting into one, especially since getting back from Comic Con last week. 

The only time I feel my brain getting some rest at the moment is when I walk to/from work with my headphones on and just block out the world. Yesterday when walking home I just wanted it to last forever, I nearly walked right past the house and just kept going, but I knew I'd have to turn round eventually anyway so I didn't. 

Wanting human interaction whilst also wanting to be completely alone is a very frustrating thing, it's like I can't settle or rest at all. I wish there was some way to just switch my mind off and have peace and quiet in my brain, I couldn't tell you the last time I didn't have a tension headache.

Just trying to ride it out at the moment, it's been a long time since I've felt like this, especially for this long, but "it can't rain all the time" and that quote will never not bring me comfort, even if it's the most minuscule piece of comfort, it's still there.

xXx

Progress...

Anyone who's read any of my previous posts knows kind of what I've been going through, but anyone who hasn't and wants too can read about it in my last couple of blog posts "Something important that I want to talk about..." and  "I'm not ok, and that's ok..."

It's been almost a year now since I was first told I had depression and things started to make some sense. Strange how it doesn't feel that long ago yet also feels like a life time since that first appointment with the doctor. I can safely say that, currently, I am feeling almost completely content with my life as it is. I made a conscious decision a few months ago to be more content with my life, all of it, exactly as it is, while still wanting to make improvements. This has helped me in so many ways that I can't possibly list them all! But I am going to mention a couple of specific things that I feel have been the biggest improvements for me.

By far the biggest thing for me has been with my body confidence. This is something I have struggled with for years with not only the way I feel about my body but in trying to improve it and failing. There's a song by Tim Michin called "Not perfect", which crippled me emotionally the first time I heard it, the whole thing has a lot of truth to it but the line he sings about his body hit me so hard that I instantly burst into tears. I'll link the song below for anyone interested but the specific line I'm talking about goes:

"And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me"

 It rang so true to me that I listened to that song for days, and still have it on my phone now. That is what I'd been doing for so long, hating my body for no real reason. I decided that I was done hating it, I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life and I was the one supplying it. I wouldn't have stood for it if someone said the kind of stuff I thought about myself to me, so why did I do it to myself? Since actively deciding that I was going to start liking myself more I feel so much better about myself. There are select people who have helped with this process (I hope you know who you are if you're reading this and just how much you've helped me) but I've tried to do the main bulk of it myself. I'm still trying to eat better and go to the gym regularly but I rarely binge on food now.  I would still like to lose a little weight and tone my body more but I'm happier in my skin than I think I've ever been!

Taking pleasure in the little things has made a bigger difference than I thought too. My daily walk to and from work, alone with my music, are my favourite times of the day. I walk along with my giant headphones on, oblivious to the rest of the world, mouthing along to my favourite songs (wouldn't subject the general public to my tone deaf screeching!) and everything is right in the world. I have a giant smile on my face while I do so, it never fails to cheer me up. 

Reading, build Lego or working on my cosplays (when I'm not working to a deadline!) are all things I'm trying to make more time for and I'm getting there slowly. I'm also making progress on getting my own place, looking at some possibilities and hoping they'll lead somewhere. All little bits of progress towards my bigger goals but as I said, I'm still content with my life exactly as it is.

All of this has helped in so many ways, I honestly can't remember the last time I was affected by my depression or that last time I had a "bad day". My anxiety is also a lot better, it only ever seems to really bother me when I'm driving. That in itself is my biggest hurdle, it's been stopping me from doing things that I want to do, but I'm slowly making progress with that.

Anyway going to leave it there for now, hopefully I won't leave it that long for another update on things, but knowing me I probably will! 

xXx

I'm not ok, and that's ok...

My amazing cousin Alex has recently started writing about her own mental health in a fantastic blog Howay Man Get Happy and yesterday I read her latest post "I'm Not Okay, and That's Okay - The Five Reasons I Lie." It was extremely relatable for me and I thought I'd write about some of my own reasons as well as giving an update on how things have been in general for me. It might help some of my friends and loved ones understand things a bit more or will just be nice to vent a bit really.

The last post I did on here was back in May, I'd just found out I had depression and was awaiting seeing a councillor which I was understandably nervous about. Next week I will be seeing my councillor for the last of my 8 sessions that I was entitled too. Having someone there like that has helped me loads, she has made me see things in a different way and I have looked forward to almost every session. I'm nervous about seeing her for the last time as I don't want that support to not be there anymore, but I'm hoping I can arrange to see her more. It's one part of the process over with and the doctor who referred me will be getting feedback about me to see what happens next.

The last 7 months have still been a very emotional time; knowing that I have something wrong with me was a big relief, as there was a reason for how I felt, but that doesn't always make you feel better when the darkness takes over. I know I have a lot of support from friends and family and I want you all to know how much I love you and appreciate you all, but this isn't something I can always talk to you about. I get that some of you have never experienced what this is like, and you offer help the only way you know, but sometimes when you're trying to help, you can actually make me feel a lot worse.

This is the main reason I don't talk to people about how I'm feeling, because most of them don't get it, and while trying to help they can actually make me feel worse and then I wish I'd never bothered in the first place. Having people say "Well just don't think like that" or "Try not to overthink things" or "I thought you were feeling better?". It hurts. It makes me feel like I'm broken beyond repair, so it's easier just to smile and say "I'm fine"

In reality I am far from fine, I am constantly battling with demons and dark thoughts, I lack sleep, energy, and motivation. I'm scared that I won't end up where I want to be in life because I don't take any risks. I'm trying to figure out what kind of future I want to have and I'm not sure I'll ever achieve that. I am tired of being exhausted all the time. I often suffer from tension headaches which just feels like my head is being ripped in two. I go to bed so tired every night and then will lie awake for hours because "Remember this! Overthink that! Need to do this! That would be an awesome idea!" spin round and round in my head for hours. I can't count how many times I've cried myself to sleep simply because I can't shut my brain off. 

But I can't talk about it, because the ones closest to me don't understand it. They try and find reasons for it, analyse why I feel like this or what's triggered stuff and it doesn't work like that. When I do open up to them I end up feeling worse off so it's just easier to say nothing.

There are other reasons I don't like being open about how I'm actually feeling, it makes me feel

vulnerable, I don't want to be a burden on anyone, I don't like to be fussed over, but the main one for me is that I never know how people will react and if I'll end up worse off for it.

This has ended up a bit longer than I was expecting, so I'll stop here and may continue with this at a later date. Thank you for reading if you have and if anyone else is struggling with feelings similar I urge you to go and get help. It's not a quick fix by any means, but the professional support is there if you need it.

xXx

Something important that I want to talk about...

I've thought a lot about whether to write this or not and how to approach it, but I think it's an important thing that needs to be talked about and I wanted to share my experiences with it. I apologies for the way it is written and for any errors in grammar or spelling!

Over the last (I'd guess around) year and a half my emotions have been very up and down. My mam has always said to me that I always seem to be either right up or right down, I never seem to find a middle ground. In the last 8/9 months I have been slowly getting worse and worse, to the point that I have started having panic attacks, something I have never had before. I feel lost, alone, like I didn't know who I am or where I am going in my life, that I'm not where I should be and it is extremely overwhelming. More often it has been getting harder and harder for me to even pull myself out of bed on a morning, I spend most of the day just feeling like I want to cry and to just curl up in a ball and sleep for as long as I can or wanting to huddle up in bed with a load of food and eat myself into a food coma.

My self esteem and confidence are shot to shit. I worry and overthink constantly about every aspect of my life; my work, money, relationships, the way I look and act, I know that my life is very good, I have a hell of a lot going good for me, which makes me feel worse about how I think negatively about everything. I'm constantly exhausted as my mind is always going and on top of that my sleeping has gotten worse. Eating has been my crutch but has ended up making me feel worse as I've been eating so much that I have put a load of weight back on, which is then affecting my self esteem and body confidence in a very negative way.

I have always been a very outgoing and social person, but have found myself becoming more of a recluse and not wanting to leave the house, even to see good friends who I love dearly. I am greatly lacking motivation to do many things, even things that I enjoy. It might sounds silly but one of the only things that has helped me is building Lego, it's the only time that my mind is completely focused on that one thing and my head doesn't feel like it's going 100mph! It's a way for me to clear my mind, almost like a kind of therapy.

I ended up opening up and chatting on with a client I had in the shop, she was wonderful to speak to and encouraged me to see a doctor about it, so the next day I went and made an appointment. At the time I made the appointment I was at a low point, I'd hoped I'd be able to get an appointment that day but I had to wait until the next week (around 5 days) .

 On Wednesday the 4th of May I finally went to the doctors about it, on the day I was feeling a lot better in myself and was a bit worried about how I would explain how I'd been feeling. It's a hard thing to describe. As I tried explaining how I'd been feeling I broke into tears. I was told I had depression. I actually felt better, knowing that there's a reason I've been feeling the way I have and I'm not going mad. Perhaps best of all was knowing that I wasn't alone and that there was help there for me. The doctor has referred me for counseling and given me websites to visit to help in the mean time.
 

I am in the very early stages of understanding exactly what is wrong with me and trying to improve how I feel about things. All the things I have detailed above that I have been thinking and feeling are still there, sometimes they're just low whispers in the back of my mind and other times they are screaming at me so loud that I can't hear anything else. But I have taken the first step in helping myself and I am so relieved that I have finally seen about it.

 

xXx

The Thought of Dating...

As you know I recently became single (about four months ago now), I had been with my ex for 9 years, we get together when we were 16. My dating experience before I started seeing him doesn't really have much to it. A couple of bad dates, some guys who were just like friends as opposed to a boyfriend, one nasty guy who I don't want to remember in a hurry and then one guy who I saw for a few months. I liked the guy and can't really remember the reason for breaking things off (it was a long time ago) but I got my friend to do it for me and to this day I regret the way it happened. He was a nice guy and he didn't deserve it at all, but I was young and naive and know a lot better now, not that that excuses what I did.

Anyway, it occurred to me that (unless I want to just grow old with loads of pets and become a crazy dog lady) eventually I'd have to go out to meet guys and go on actual dates...

Now I'm a very social person, I frequently attend Comic Conventions and meet loads of new people, making friends very easily and even going out with them for food or drinks afterwards. But that's a whole different kettle of fish! If I'm around someone I find attractive (unless I'm already pretty comfortable with them) then I become very nervous, completely aware of myself, I fidget, have to be doing something with my hands, picking at a beer bottle or faffing with a napkin. I'm an over thinker and my mind goes a bit mad!

I've also never actually been asked on a "proper" first date. Like, going out for a meal or drinks and talking to just each other, discovering who this person is and whether they are compatible enough with you to want to spend more time with them.

The whole ordeal, to me, seems to be a mass of excitement, awkwardness and terror rolled into one, although more of the latter two! The build up to it, I imagine, is just spending a lot of time worrying! What will they be like? Will we have anything to talk about? What if I can't find anything to wear? Will I be my usual clumsy self and spill something/trip over/etc. like I have a tenancy to do?

In truth, it really scares me, it's possible that once I've had a date or two I may feel differently but until then it's just the unknown... maybe I'd be better off with just the dogs...

xXx

A New Start...

So...

The last time you heard from me I was engaged, living with my fiancée, planning a wedding and complaining about being asked when we were going to have kids. A lot has changed for me since then, some good and some bad.

The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I had been wrestling with some personal demons and it all peaked for me in July (had been going on for a while before then, not entirely sure when it started) and then me and my fiancée broke up in August. It's not something I'm going to go into right now, I may do at a later date but I'm not sure yet.

So at 25 I moved back in with my parents, I love being back home (although sometimes feel like I get a bit in the way, mainly with how much stuff I have haha) but I'm hoping to get my own place within the next year or two. I know I want to move away, not entirely sure where to or even how far away but it's something I'm looking into.

I started my own business, selling Younique cosmetics and skin care products, it's going remarkably well, better than I could have imagined and I can't wait to see where I am in just a year with it! Through it I have met some amazing and inspirational people and I can't wait to spend more time with them all. My confidence has grown tenfold and I now wear make-up daily and am dressing a lot nicer.

My weight has increased, I was doing very well with my weight loss and Slimming World but have lost my way with it. I am still going to the meetings, I fear that if I stopped completely then my weight would just balloon and I'd lose interest completely. Currently it doesn't bother me too much that I have put weight on but I don't want to get much bigger really.

As can be expected when going through a big life change I go through periods of heightened emotions, both good and bad. Most days are good but I still get really bad days, days when all I want to do is lock myself away and sleep. I feel that I am a lot more emotional now, I certainly cry more which is not a bad thing.

The last week has been very hard. We had some bad news in the family last Tuesday and since then my head has just been a wreck. It's brought a lot of bad memories and thoughts to the surface for me and through that I've had a lot to think about.

I think going through stuff like that does that to you though, makes you re-evaluate, consider where you are in your life and what things you really want in the future. It certainly has with me. Spent a lot of time thinking about the future and what I want for myself, it's scary and exciting having no idea where you're life might be in a year or two. Plus I'm an over thinker which never helps!

Anyway, bit of a long post but a lot to cover! Thanks for reading!

xXx

Everyone is having babies!

Hello!

So I'm currently at an exciting stage in my life, I'm planning a very big day, our wedding! But everyone I speak to seems to be asking me when we're going to start having kids, which bugs me a little. I'm only 24 and most of my friends are a similar age, I have three close friends who are all already married and have all started having kids. 

One has a little girl who is around a year and 5 months now and she is trying for her second baby, another has a little girls who is now around 3 months and the last is pregnant (after trying for almost a year) and is about 12 weeks into her pregnancy.

That's great for them, they're all happy and it's where they want to be in their lives. Me and my fiancée have done things a bit later than all of our friends (like moving out, getting engaged, getting married, etc.) for various reasons. He went to university straight from college and then managed to get a job almost as soon as he left, we then saved for a few years before buying our house which is why we've ended up doing things later. But life isn't a competition, you do things in your life when the time is right for you.

Now I'm not saying that I think you should be married before you have kids, things are very different now than what they were like even 20/30 years ago and most couples are having kids without even considering getting married, so long as they're in a loving and happy home that's all that matters. But as we are now planning our wedding we want to have that first before we even think about having kids!

For us at the moment we're just not ready to be parents yet. We know how big of a change it makes to your life, financially, emotionally and you're relied on by this little person who is completely helpless without you. We definitely want kids, just not anytime soon, there is so much we want to do before embarking on that adventure! 

We have the house and garden to finish, the wedding to pay for (and enjoy), holidays away in our caravan (we got it later last year and have only been able to use it once so far!) and just generally enjoying spending time together as a couple before we become a family. We've also talked about it and as long as we're financially able then, when we do have kids, I will be finishing work to be a stay at home parent. Currently I absolutely love my job and I'm not quite ready to give it up just yet!

xXx